I recently found myself intimately involved with a beer whose label advertised it as a ‘German Pilsner’ and, my luck being what it is, also surrounded by people who burned with curiosity about other people’s choice of beverage. This is usually a recipe for either disaster or entertainment or both (Me + beer, that is; the inquisitive crowd just spices the recipe up a bit, all paprika-like). Contrary to what some may believe, my normal default setting isn’t usually ‘Smart Ass’. It’s just that sometimes opportunities present themselves and the people and surroundings invite smart assery. This was certainly such an occasion, as the same query was posed by numerous individuals, almost as if people were standing in line waiting their turn to try and solve this liquid puzzle and the first person to figure something out conclusively won a car or a puppy or a puppy who knows how to drive a car.
Their question: What does a German Pilsner taste like?
My answers (in no particular order, thrown out at random):
Like my tongue is being carpet-bombed by the Luftwaffe
Like I just invaded Poland
It has early citrus notes, culminating in France’s unconditional surrender
David Hasselhoff’s nipple sweat
A slightly hoppy glockenspiel
Like Martin Luther just nailed my tongue to the door of a catholic church
Like I just convinced Neville Chamberlain to tell Britain that I have no intention of starting a war even though that’s my intention precisely, because I have a stupid-looking mustache and sucked as an artist.
Like something that doesn’t suck
Oktoberfestilicious (pronounced with a k, of course)
Like a blitzkreig in my mouth
I saved #8 for someone who I knew was in roughly the same ballpark of historical geekitude as me, because it’s generally poor form to name drop former British prime ministers and allude to Hitlerian trivia when describing how a beer tastes UNLESS the other person has a fair chance of not being lost by your description (I decided not to use, ‘Like I just annexed the living shit out of the Rhineland’ for pretty much exactly this reason). I never got around to using #7, because you have to be careful about saying such things in the presence of Lutherans and/or Catholics, some of whom from either tribe still take the Protestant Reformation personally and the last thing I wanted to do was ignite a religious crusade in my friend’s back yard. That’s a tough thing to forgive.
As for what the beer actually tasted like: Good. It tasted good. Very pilsner-y, for all you beer buffs in the audience.
Sir @ June 29, 2009