Teutonic Taste Test
Etiquette & Protocol, Whatnot Comments (8)
I recently found myself intimately involved with a beer whose label advertised it as a ‘German Pilsner’ and, my luck being what it is, also surrounded by people who burned with curiosity about other people’s choice of beverage. This is usually a recipe for either disaster or entertainment or both (Me + beer, that is; the inquisitive crowd just spices the recipe up a bit, all paprika-like). Contrary to what some may believe, my normal default setting isn’t usually ‘Smart Ass’. It’s just that sometimes opportunities present themselves and the people and surroundings invite smart assery. This was certainly such an occasion, as the same query was posed by numerous individuals, almost as if people were standing in line waiting their turn to try and solve this liquid puzzle and the first person to figure something out conclusively won a car or a puppy or a puppy who knows how to drive a car.
Their question: What does a German Pilsner taste like?
My answers (in no particular order, thrown out at random):
The Wehrmacht
Like my tongue is being carpet-bombed by the Luftwaffe
Like I just invaded Poland
It has early citrus notes, culminating in France’s unconditional surrender
David Hasselhoff’s nipple sweat
A slightly hoppy glockenspiel
Like Martin Luther just nailed my tongue to the door of a catholic church
Like I just convinced Neville Chamberlain to tell Britain that I have no intention of starting a war even though that’s my intention precisely, because I have a stupid-looking mustache and sucked as an artist.
Like something that doesn’t suck
Oktoberfestilicious (pronounced with a k, of course)
Like a blitzkreig in my mouth
I saved #8 for someone who I knew was in roughly the same ballpark of historical geekitude as me, because it’s generally poor form to name drop former British prime ministers and allude to Hitlerian trivia when describing how a beer tastes UNLESS the other person has a fair chance of not being lost by your description (I decided not to use, ‘Like I just annexed the living shit out of the Rhineland’ for pretty much exactly this reason). I never got around to using #7, because you have to be careful about saying such things in the presence of Lutherans and/or Catholics, some of whom from either tribe still take the Protestant Reformation personally and the last thing I wanted to do was ignite a religious crusade in my friend’s back yard. That’s a tough thing to forgive.
As for what the beer actually tasted like: Good. It tasted good. Very pilsner-y, for all you beer buffs in the audience.
Sir @ June 29, 2009
God sir,
“David Hasselhoff’s nipple sweat” made me fall off of my chair….and I hate to be nit picky…but unless the pilsner also had a tiny undertaste of pine to it ….it wouldn’t have tasted like David….
I find it unfortunate that comparing one’s tongue to Luther’s 95 Theses would result in a religious conflict, however, people are so sensitive these days.
the best of the list was the one you left off – “Like I just annexed the living shit out of the Rhineland” (of course, you could have substituted the Sudetenland here, as well).
a few others:
- tastes like Kaiser Wilhelm’s mustache clippings
- like Hitler’s ball-sweat (since he only had one, it is a light, capricious flavor, reminiscent of the upland heather from whence he sprang)
- like the talc from neunundneunzig Luftballons
- like the pee from a pregnant austrian sheppard
- like fifteen snitzengrubens
- like a teutonic titwillow (or the more common variant, teutonic twat)
Which pilsner were you drinking? I really like Becks. I don’t get a wide selection around here – mostly Beck’s and St. Pauli Girl. I haven’t tried Pilsner Urquell yet. Which is closer to the true german pilsner to you?
There isn’t enough history humor on the internet these days, let alone history humor mixed in with David Hasselhoff’s nipple sweat. I gotta tell you, although I think you were going for the positive, I am just really never going to drink that beer now.
I have a friend who would be completely incapacitated by this post because the word NIPPLE is used. That and the phrase “sweaty feet” are capable of putting her in a coma.
Um, I am sorry, but how does a beer taste GOOD if it tastes like your tongue nailed to a door which in my imagination would taste like rusty spike and old wooden door and blood with a dose of extra PAIN thrown in. Or like sweaty nipple, ANYONE’S sweaty nipple? I don’t care how sexy the person is it is still SWEAT. OOG and GAG.
I will admit to not being a beer drinker, only because something, either the hops or the yeast or the dastardly combination of both makes me puff up like I rolled in a field of pollen.
Well played, Sir.
Although, a sampling of the lyrics from “My Favorite Things” might have worked also:
Like cream colored ponies and crisp apple streudel
Like door bells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles
Like brown paper packages tied up with strings
Like wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings
etc., etc., blah, blah.
Wait, haven’t I seen that somewhere?
Karen: There might’ve been pine there. I can’t recall exactly. My palette might not have been tuned to pine that day.
Jamelah: Southern Baptists are easily riled, as are some Presbyterians. They’re also well armed, which means that they can spread the word of God on automatic, if need be.
Bob: Ah. Hello, fellow history geek.
I did not know that Hitler only had one ball (note to self…), though I do get the Teutonic twat and the snitzengruben references. Mel Brooks can do no wrong in my book. As for the beer, it was Stoudt’s Pils (http://www.stoudtsbeer.com/). I’m normally a dark beer guy, but the summer demands that I lighten up. Pilseners done well are A-OK. I’m not a fan of Becks, though, however I find both St. Pauli Girl and Spaten are pretty wonderful.
Ashley: Nipple sweat. Nails. The Wehrmacht. It’s all an acquired taste.
MidLifeMama: I weep for your unfortunate allergy thing which keeps you from the world of beer. Life is cruel and unfair. As for your other question regarding how the taste of having one’s tongue nailed to a door might be pleasant, I refer you to my comment to Ashley. Call it a fetish if you will.
Shari: The beer lacked the distinct flavor of cream-colored ponies and door bells, but the others may have been there.
To Sir and Bob,
Here’s a song my dad used to sing when I was little (sad, but true):
Hitler has only got one ball,
Goerhing has two but they are small,
Kinler’s are very similar
and poor Goebels has no balls at all.
Catchy, isn’t it?
I’m a Heineken fan, so I find most “real beer” to be too bitter. Thanks for the description, though.