I’d like to take a moment and say a couple brief words in support of solid poop. Admittedly, this has never been a subject that’s taken center stage in my life for any extended period of time. Having never been a parent or in any way (voluntarily or involuntarily) involved in diaper manipulation of any kind, my life has been relatively devoid of opportunities to handle soft poop. In a very real way, I’ve been spoiled in this arena. With the acquisition of dogs, however, this has changed. The spoiling has come to an end and has done so in a rather squishy and annoying sort of way.
For reasons beyond all who have come into contact with one of my dogs, his poop perpetually lacks a certain, shall we say, happiness (I believe it was Socrates who once stated that ‘Solid poop is happy poop’ and who am I to argue with such wisdom? Who are any of us?). What this means for me is that in order to keep my lawn and the lovely sidewalks of my little burgh from being overtaken by ‘land mines’, I need to shove my hand into a plastic bag and retrieve my dogs’ ‘leftovers’. When said ‘leftovers’ are on the solid side of the poop spectrum, this is no problem. However, when they lean toward the not-so-solid side of this spectrum, well….picture a broken and tormented man, his hand wrapped in a plastic bag, trying to manipulate molten chocolate from grass/asphalt, sometimes with an audience of children or possibly the elderly.
Bags from Harris Teeter work the best. Never once have I experienced unfortunate mid-scoop breakage, which can be both disheartening and emotionally scarring. Not only are the bags trustworthy, but the name of the store allows you to make statements like, ‘I need to head down to the ‘Teet for some milk’. You can’t buy that kind of convenience in a double entendre. In my opinion, the only grocery-related name finer than Harris Teeter is Piggly Wiggly. If there was a Piggly Wiggly in my town, you’d bet your sweet ass that I’d be frequenting its aisles for all of my grocery needs, just out of principle. Especially for pork products. And who the hell names a grocery store Piggly Wiggly? I’m a little desperate for this background now. What possesses some entrepreneur to start up a food market named after squirmy swine? It’s a southern thing, so I’m willing to bet moonshine was involved. And probably a dare.
Only one of the dogs has this issue. I mix yogurt in their food for its health benefits and the taste that I assume it adds to the otherwise bland fare. I’ve tried just giving him the dry stuff, sans yogurt, to no avail. I’ve tried different combinations of one thing or another, so much so that about the only things left as options are a head of lettuce or a brick of tofu, and I’ll be DAMNED if any dog living under MY roof will eat tofu.
The other option is to just suck it up and continue with the soft poop extravaganza. He’s happy. He eats well. He’s active, gets plenty of exercise, has a friend to chase around and chew on as the opportunity presents itself. If soft poop is the extent of his issues, I think we can both count ourselves lucky. Or at least he can. Selfish soft-pooping bastard.
Sir @ June 10, 2009