Defecation Declaration
I’d like to take a moment and say a couple brief words in support of solid poop. Admittedly, this has never been a subject that’s taken center stage in my life for any extended period of time. Having never been a parent or in any way (voluntarily or involuntarily) involved in diaper manipulation of any kind, my life has been relatively devoid of opportunities to handle soft poop. In a very real way, I’ve been spoiled in this arena. With the acquisition of dogs, however, this has changed. The spoiling has come to an end and has done so in a rather squishy and annoying sort of way.
For reasons beyond all who have come into contact with one of my dogs, his poop perpetually lacks a certain, shall we say, happiness (I believe it was Socrates who once stated that ‘Solid poop is happy poop’ and who am I to argue with such wisdom? Who are any of us?). What this means for me is that in order to keep my lawn and the lovely sidewalks of my little burgh from being overtaken by ‘land mines’, I need to shove my hand into a plastic bag and retrieve my dogs’ ‘leftovers’. When said ‘leftovers’ are on the solid side of the poop spectrum, this is no problem. However, when they lean toward the not-so-solid side of this spectrum, well….picture a broken and tormented man, his hand wrapped in a plastic bag, trying to manipulate molten chocolate from grass/asphalt, sometimes with an audience of children or possibly the elderly.
**TANGENT ALERT**
Bags from Harris Teeter work the best. Never once have I experienced unfortunate mid-scoop breakage, which can be both disheartening and emotionally scarring. Not only are the bags trustworthy, but the name of the store allows you to make statements like, ‘I need to head down to the ‘Teet for some milk’. You can’t buy that kind of convenience in a double entendre. In my opinion, the only grocery-related name finer than Harris Teeter is Piggly Wiggly. If there was a Piggly Wiggly in my town, you’d bet your sweet ass that I’d be frequenting its aisles for all of my grocery needs, just out of principle. Especially for pork products. And who the hell names a grocery store Piggly Wiggly? I’m a little desperate for this background now. What possesses some entrepreneur to start up a food market named after squirmy swine? It’s a southern thing, so I’m willing to bet moonshine was involved. And probably a dare.
Only one of the dogs has this issue. I mix yogurt in their food for its health benefits and the taste that I assume it adds to the otherwise bland fare. I’ve tried just giving him the dry stuff, sans yogurt, to no avail. I’ve tried different combinations of one thing or another, so much so that about the only things left as options are a head of lettuce or a brick of tofu, and I’ll be DAMNED if any dog living under MY roof will eat tofu.
The other option is to just suck it up and continue with the soft poop extravaganza. He’s happy. He eats well. He’s active, gets plenty of exercise, has a friend to chase around and chew on as the opportunity presents itself. If soft poop is the extent of his issues, I think we can both count ourselves lucky. Or at least he can. Selfish soft-pooping bastard.
Sir @ June 10, 2009
Oh Sir,
Where to start? Tangent alert made me lol. Man after my own heart.
The TITLE? When it showed up in my blog roll two minutes after you published (love being linked to blogs I love) made me wonder if I was going to have to take you down from my blog roll until next you published….but NO, a positively pithy post about poop. (say that 3 times fast)
I had Piggly Wiggly as a client in the eighties when I worked for an advertising distribution company. It was so much fun to type the name, say the name, and look at their little happy logo. Sad to say I don’t know nothin about no moonshine bein involved in that there namin process.
I do know that soft poop can sometimes be a emotional thing. Have you tried laying your pooch out on the couch and talking about his puppyhood?
Karen :)
I have so many things to say on this subject, and I’m also sort of embarrassed that I do have so many things to say on this subject. I love to take my dog for walks, really really long walks, because one of the joys of my life is wearing her ass out so she’ll stop acting like she just went on a cocaine bender (border collies: they love blow), and when we walk, she feels that it is her job to poop on something. It doesn’t matter if I took her to the yard right before the walk and she took care of business then, no, she’ll do it again at least once (perhaps twice — she’s impressive) while we’re walking. It’s always someplace where there are lots of people who seem to enjoy nothing more than watching me fumble with fresh poop. It’s also always soft and vile. Also once she’s done she’s ready to continue on the walk and tries to pull at the leash while I’m busy de-turding the grass. And then I have to carry it around, at least until I find a trash receptacle, and really there’s nothing more fabulous than carrying around a bag of crap. Anyway, the softness seems to be entirely walk-related. Which is, you know, awesome.
All of this to say that they apparently have a whole branch of Piggly Wiggly stores in the Midwest, but I’ve never seen one in Michigan. I feel cheated.
‘Solid poop is happy poop’ – Snoopy, I think, can be credited with this. As a fellow dog, he should know.
A quick check of wikipedia and selected references has only yielded that the founder of piggly wiggly refused to explain the name. it was, if nothing else, a great marketing decision.
A (somewhat iffy) suggestion: if you don’t enjoy extricating liquid poo from the grass, try positioning the open bag under your dog’s butt and just catching it. Most dogs take forever to get themselves ready to poo, so you should have ample time. You might look (and feel) stupid while doing this, but I imagine it’s a much better alternative to the other thing. Gross.
At the risk of incurring your doggy food disdain, I would recommend you remove all human food out of their diet and feed him only dog food for a couple of weeks. It’s natural that adult mammals grow out of their lactose-digesting enzymes. My friend feeds her chocolate lab human food and he poops and shuffles because it’s so liquidy and gross. When I was puppy-sitting a friend’s Wheaton, the silly thing ate some dry wall and had doggy diarrhea for a couple of days. Fortunately it was snowing so I let his poop freeze before scooping it. So that’s always an option…
As for Piggly Wiggly, there’s one on Harbour Island, The Bahamas. If you go there, I will have to insist that you take me with you. My bikini misses the pink sand beach.
“In a very real way, I’ve been spoiled in this arena.”
Oh Sir, at first read I thought you said “soiled” and very nearly wasted a perfectly lovely afternoon coffee as a result.
Karen: He’s a very secure dog, as long as I don’t leave for days at a time. Also, I don’t think I’d ever get paid for the therapy sessions. He’s unemployed.
Jamelah: I’ve never seen a Piggly Wiggly north of Virginia, which I find sad. It’s possible that I haven’t been looking hard enough in the right places, but spending large amounts of time searching for curiously-named grocery stores isn’t a I’d even consider.
Bob: It does sound like something Snoopy might throw into a thought bubble while laying on the top of his house.
Ashley Let me get this straight: You want me to crouch down next to my dog’s butt while he squat-walks in little circles dropping bombs into a bag that I’m holding?
Do you hate me? And from whence cometh this hatred?
Moshizzle: I’ve tried going with only the dry Iams for a week or so and it didn’t make and difference. He’s just a soft pooper, it seems. Having never been to the Bahamas, the combination of pink sand and the presence of a Piggly Wiggly sounds like some strange and wonderful version of paradise.
Shari: Damn! So close. Next time.
Sir?
I like Ashley’s suggestion and think it has merit.
Substitue a stick with a cup holder attached to it…insert a plastic cup into the cupholder, follow dog around with stick/cupholder/cup apparatus….throw cup away. Easy peasy.
(I have diagrams…email me)
Karen
Thank you, Karen. And Sir, I do not hate you, and I think you should try to keep an open mind. Should you endure a little humiliation to avoid grossness? I think so. Besides, I wouldn’t recommend it unless I hadn’t tried it. One of my mom’s Shih-Tzus gets diarrhea all the time, and I’m telling you, it is SO much easier than trying to pick loose dog poo off of someone else’s lawn.
Oh Sir, so many things to comment on. Where to begin…..
The whole “dispose of the poop” issue is exactly why I refuse to own a dog. Now, cats? Cats have the decency to poop in a box, like civilized creatures. Dogs have no such sense of propriety, and thus will never be allowed in my domicile. (Never mind the fact that we own 20 acres of woods, which would allow a dog to poop with reckless abandon nearly anywhere, and I’d never have to scoop it; it’s the principle of the thing, damn it!)
I was about to suggest the same thing as Ashley; given the choice between tailing (sorry) your dog as he poops, versus scraping mushy crap off the pavement/grass, you take the scraping? Interesting. Say, exactly how strong ARE those meds the doctor put you on?
As for the supermarket name topic, I’m not sure if you’ve spent much time in the Northeast, but up here (at least in NY) we have a sad dearth of amusing market names. Waldbaum’s, Grand Union, Price Chopper, Hannaford, Key Food, Met Supermarkets. Yawn. What I wouldn’t give for a Piggly Wiggly, or a Harris Teeter… Alas.
Fiber. He needs fiber I tell you. Try adding a little oat bran, brown rice or natural sweet potatoes (no syrup) to his food. If that doesn’t work, it could be allergies – probably wheat. If that’s the case you may have to go to an all natural grain-free diet for him. Tip ‘o the hat to you ;)