It’s sad that so few people seem to appreciate the subtle humor involved in talking dirty to the turkey while stuffing it.
I don’t stuff my turkeys. I brine the living shit out of them, then pour this onion/apple/cinnamon mixture into their open cavity before shoving them into the oven. It’s kinky, sure, but not really dirty and certainly not ‘stuffing’. The stuffing is done separately and involves cornbread and sausage, exactly as God intended. Frankly, I don’t understand the point in stuffing a bunch of dried-out bread up a turkey’s ass. When the bird cooks, you see, the stuffing sort of sucks up the juices (from the bird, which defeats the purpose of brining it in the first place in order to make the bird juicy because the STUFFING JUST SUCKS THE JUICE OUT OF THE BIRD OH MY GOD IT’S A VICIOUS CYCLE OF JUICE SUCKING!!!) and what you’re left with is a pile of moist bread-like substance. Also, the stuffing never really cooks, so it’s moist bread-like substance that’s been encased in raw poultry, which ratchets up the ick factor pretty significantly.
There are those that swear by the stuffing of a turkey and I say more power to them. It’s just that I will never count myself among their ranks and will happily go about my merry way eating stuffing untainted by the briny ass of a dead bird. Well, I guess it’s technically not the ass. Whatever. It’s my blog; I win.
I’m convinced that Thanksgiving is a day of particular joy for people who love to cook. There’s no reason that I can’t on any given day of the year whip up the kind of carbohydrate annihilation that I’ll be creating tomorrow, but I think it’s the idea of doing it all at once in a single morning/afternoon that makes me giddy with anticipation. Also, the experimentation with the brine; I’ve found great combinations, but I’m always tweaking, trying to make it a little more lethal. I’m a food geek. There are worse curses.
Speaking of geekery…Finally, that you might know your enemy, I present you the amino acid tryptophan.
See how it flaunts its bulky side chain, waving its large double aromatic ring in your face. It laughs at you. ‘HA!’, it laughs. ‘BEHOLD MY BULKY RINGS!!’ This is what post-turkey sleep looks like.* Resistance is futile.
* I could explain the mechanism involved in how tryptophan knocks one on their well-fed ass, but that would put you to sleep now.
Sir @ November 26, 2008