Just Sayin’
NaBloPoMo, Scrine Comments (18)
If I were a woman (which I’m not) and I was trolling the fertile fields of Match.com (which I don’t), I’d probably steer clear of any man who chose ‘Oedipus’ as his profile’s username.*
I should be studied. Why? Three times I’ve done the online dating thing and twice I’ve found pretty amazing, non-psycho women. That kind of batting average would make me a god in fantasy baseball leagues, but where online dating is concerned, it’s completely unheard of. Of course, I’m no longer with either of them, which is probably also worth studying, but that’s beside the point of this little effort in reflection. Some say that the online dating gig is stupid and foolish and reeks of some sort of social aversion. To these accusations I can only say, ‘Well, not really, but maybe sort of in some ways possibly, though it’s doubtful.’ The bonus of the online junk for me, personally, was two-fold:
First Fold: When you swap emails with someone prior to going on a date, you can get a pretty fair idea of their ability to form sentences involving words and punctuation. Unless they use a ghost writer for their email correspondance, this potentially bodes well for the person being able to hold up their end of a conversation. And the importance of conversational ability can NOT be overstated. Also, you go in knowing a little about the other person, which makes topic-wrangling less potentially deadly. Of equal importance is spelling and the non-lethal use of acronyms (ROTFLMAOOMGLOLLSKDIENDIWMDMEOAL!!111!!!!11!!). A good motto: Swap email before spit. That totally belongs on a bumper sticker.
Second Fold: Picking up women (lift with the legs, not the back) is an awful process on every possible level.
Having spent quality time on both sides of a bar, I feel perfectly qualified to state that picking up women in bars is both the worst idea on the planet and the most mind-numbingly horrible experience (to engage in AND to watch) this side of having penis cancer. When you’re a bartender, there are times when you want to have a rolled up newspaper handy to swat a guy away from certain women (i.e. those who LOVE to flirt behind their 250-pound boyfriend’s back) while yelling, ‘No! NO!!!’. Also, there are the gin/vodka camels that accept tonic-based drinks from various guys all night before finally leaving with no one, but full of enough free booze to warrant their steering clear of open flames. Admittedly, I have the slightest bit of admiration for these women, because free booze all night=yay, but this admiration is mostly canceled out by contempt.
Now, when you’re on the other side of the bar, holy shit, the exercise is just the worst thing on the planet. Potential rejection aside, even the most innocent of introductory lines sounds so contrived that saying them aloud makes you want to dip your tongue in acid. And who will ever turn down a free drink? And what if she’s with Lothar the Destructor, who’s in the bathroom cleaning off his axe? And, worst of all, what if she talks/thinks like, ‘ROTFLMAOOMGLOLLSKDIENDIWMDMEOAL!!111!!!!11!!’ that? For all of these reasons based on experience as both a bartender and a bar drinker, my aversion to the bar pick-up is at the level of ‘Epic’.
So, there is certainly a method behind my madness of defending the institution of online dating. I feel it necessary to caveat this with my understanding that the male sleaze factor is significant (though certainly not pervasive) online and that I’ve heard countless horror stories by female friends. On the other hand, I also know people that found the love of their life. The moral of the story, then, is that I would probably be willing to use the medium again, but if I had a daughter and I found out that she was about to troll the internet for men, I might lock her in a closet for fear she might take a chance on a guy like this (Thanks, Mindy!).
*True story. Some male-flavored genius actually used that as his profile’s ‘name’.
Sir @ November 25, 2008
i was at a bar saturday night (please don’t die from shock) and this guy walked up and hollered “FUCK ME!” i politely declined. of course, he may have been hollering at the hockey game i was watching but just in case(s) i wanted to make sure he was fully aware that i am not available for fucking. at least not without buying me a drink first. enough about me (is there ever enough?); a co-worker is moving in with his match.com girlfriend, so i guess there’s whatever that is. anyway, who needs a broad when you have a new puppy?
Kat: I think women should wear buttons reading ‘Available for Fucking’ or ‘Unavailable for Fucking’. It would really make everything so much easier.
As for your question regarding who needs a broad when one has a puppy….well, see, there are laws, kat.
This is pretty much exactly why I married young and why I stay married.
(Planning to buy “just because” flowers for ‘mrs. on the way home.)
Online dating is just like not-online dating, in that when it works it’s cool and when it doesn’t, you end up needing a restraining order.
I think it’s much easier to go to college and to drink excessively and to accidentally sleep with whoever is beside you at the end of the night. A single pick-up line NEEDS NOT BE EXCHANGED.
And you know he/she’s getting an education. So there’s that too.
I’ve never Internet dated (nor dated in general, for that matter) so I have nothing useful to add to this comment thread.
Hello, Sir.
Dude, self-blinding is hott!
Well I have to agree with Mindy. No way I’d date that guy. Having done the online dating thing off and on for several years I’m pretty sure it’s not the avenue for me anymore. Maybe it’s just the New England area but the majority of the men around me are just lazy when it comes to dating and so I’ve hung up my mouse and figure if I don’t meet him some other way (gym, grocery store, random pick up) than I guess it’s not meant to be. Don’t get me wrong I totally know it works for other people. Just not this chick anymore.
‘mouse: In moments of frustrated weakness, I’ve very briefly considered sending a certain ex-girlfriend a dozen roses with a note reading, ‘HA! JUST KIDDING! PLEASE!’ That would never happen, but perhaps you see my point.
Jamelah: This is why it’s best to kill the bad dater. You do yourself and their future prey a favor.
Peefer: Well, you know that the other person is in college and allegedly going to class, but whether or not they’re retaining any of this “education” of which you speak remains to be seen.
Scott: So, am I to assume that you simply whacked Susan over the head with a tree branch, then dragged her back to your cave where a justice of the peace was standing by? If so, that’s incredibly efficient and I approve.
Beth: At least you know he loves his mother.
Ick.
Dierdre No one can hold a candle to my laziness where dating is concerned. Of course, I’ve been busy keeping my average intellect from weighing me down like an anchor in a sea of academic difficulty, but that’s really more of an incredibly poor excuse than a legitimate reason. The truth is that I seem to have lost patience for ‘The Thrill of the Chase’ and would rather wait for lightning to strike, which is so stupid and unrealistic that I just gave myself a headache typing it out loud.
A Hell of My Own Making. That will be the title of my autobiography.
Waiting for lightening to strike is so my strategy!
Well, it was until I gave eHarmony all my money (again) and a second chance. Now my strategy is clicking “close match” for any reason I can think of. I’m hoping this will weed out douchebags and lady-haters, but seeing as I haven’t gone on a date yet it’s looking like a lose-lose.
So, lightening?
To clarify: When I say I’ve never dated, I mean I’ve never done the girl hunting, trying to catch a woman thing. Susan and I just met as friends. She pursued me (for about five seconds). I allowed myself to be snared, and the rest is history. I’ve never (and would never) pursued a woman. Why? Because, as I’ve stated, women scare the hell out of me.
Hello again.
Damn… now I want 2 bumper stickers AND a button! (The other sticker is “Free drinks all night = yay!”)
I tried Match.com once and it was fun. I met a lot of fun guys (and a lot of stupid ones), but I discovered that it was the same cross-section of guys I would meet in real life, just more … condensed. Ultimately, nothing stuck.
If you lived closer, I’d say … “buy you a drink?” ;)
Strange, I also never much ensnared myself in the dating scene. In fact, I developed a healthy distrust (read: loathing with every fiber of my being) of men who tried to pick me up in bars. Perhaps it’s just me, but being approached by strangers who think I will fling my clothes off when they utter lines like, “Hey baby, you wanna go to my place?” is just not enticing. Shockingly.
Funny imaginary pickup lines:
1. Do these pants make my penis look gigantic?
2. Have we met? You look exactly like a girl I’m about to bang.
3. I shoot blanks. Who’s in?
Anyone else?
Joe is my match.com boyfriend, and it’s sort of ridiculous that we had to meet that way because A) I work with his dad, B) we have both lived in Dayton forever, C) we frequent a lot of the same places in the area, and (best one ever) D) we grew up in the exact same neighborhood, our parents’ houses were only one street away.
I don’t really know what my point is.
Sometimes I still kick myself for not finding out what lay beneath that mask…. Sigh.
PS. Why won’t your damn comment thingy save my information so I don’t have to type it again and again?! RUDE!
Since this is an older post, you may well never see this comment, but I feel obliged to thank you for writing it and making me laugh. I met my current husband (he is my second husband, the first I met through work) on Match.com. I spent two weeks on match feeling like a loser, then I was contacted by Bob, we chatted via email, the phone then we met and I was done looking. I totally, absolutely agree with you on the business about being able to communicate. I think I won Bob over because I used the word “exponentially” in one of my emails to him. I hate the world of texting and IMing. I am old enough to appreciate complete sentences and salutations. Thanks again for making me laugh.
Hello Sir,
New to the blog, reading it bit by bit. This was so amusing that I’m going to comment even though I’m like midlifemama commenting on a 2008 post in 2009.
To Scott: Your imaginary line#2. Have we met? You look exactly like a girl I’m about to bang.
This was actually said to me Word for word dead on. It was in a place called “The Rampant Lion” in a college town….it was my own fault for being there…
The same night a guy walked up and asked me to dance and followed up by saying that he liked to ask the “sweaty” girls because they were always the best dancers….I maintain that I was merely glowing..
And…finally, tried the online dating thing once a couple of months ago. It’s hard when you need someone over 6ft to start with…I went on ONE date after emailing and then talking with a guy for two weeks or so. We went out, he described an upcoming medical test IN GRAPHIC DETAIL during lunch… called the next day to say that he’d met two women the same day and I was hands down prettier and more interesting, but that he’d had to go home and look up four of the words that I’d used in conversation, so he was going to go with the other woman who was kinda dumb. (this made me laugh AGAIN just to type it)
Now I just meet men in the park and club them over the head and drag them into the woods to have my way with them.