Woe Is Them
O me. Thou art such a neglectful bastard! In my defense, the brain is being ground into mush by a combination of firehose-style learnin’ and numbing boredom during the aforementioned administration of the firehose.
Worried about the prospect of not being able to match OSHA’s thunder during the first week, Biochemistry faculty spend the second and third weeks of orientation giving new graduate students a ‘survey’ of biochemical techniques they may need over the next rest of their lives. In the last three days, this has consisted of nearly 400 slides over 10 hours and will continue for the next 7 days at a similar clip in an effort to crush our collective will. Only two people have run out of the auditorium screaming, which appears to be low compared to previous years, so apparently we’re a very hardcore group.
The new students consist of varying disciplines ranging from Molecular Genetics to Pharmacology, but a common theme for all is that they’re required to take at least one semester of Biochemistry. To my surprise, this is proving daunting to a large number of these brilliant folks, a surprising number of whom have managed to have not only navigated their undergraduate majors without having ever taken such a class, but also to have been accepted into a top biomedical program without the distinction. So, irony has reared its ugly head a few times when they, upon learning that I’m entering the evil Biochemistry program itself, remark on their dread of the coming academic onslaught and inquire about my background in the hopes that I’ll be able to impart some sort of magical elixir of success. You’ve never seen faces droop or confusion reign supreme over given countenances like those of my inquisitors upon my answering, ‘I was a computer science major’. Once they finish asking the usual questions of, ‘Huh?’, and ‘What?’, and ‘WHY?’, or just simply backing away from me very slowly, I explain things, including my having taken biochemistry and biophysics and that, yes, they were difficult, but if I could do it, then surely they….and this is when they usually interrupt and start formulating reasons about how their failure is inevitable and blah blah blah.
Now, listen. I am not an academic decathalete by any stretch of the imagination and I know starting a PhD program is intimidating and must be significantly more so for people aged 22-25 than it evidently is for grizzled 35-year old professional cynics, but come ON. For a few, it seems as though disaster is a foregone conclusion. I can’t help but wonder where such smart kids who obviously excelled in their undergraduate education came up with such a flawed line of thinking. I remember having similar thoughts at 33 regarding graduate school, but, hell, I was 12 years separated from my last undergraduate chemistry class, 8 from academia, in general, and was still relearning how to study. Also, 33? One foot in the grave? The reaper following me around waiting for me to fall and break my hip? Hello?! Pressure, anyone?!?
I’m not narrow-minded enough to believe that everyone works as well on a dare as I appear to, but I’m also willing to consider that maybe some do. So, from now on whenever asked, I’ve decided to start answering people’s worry with something along the lines of, ‘Yep. Not easy.’ It seems to me that their self-doubt will only be remedied by their proving themselves wrong and that anyone else assuring them that everything will be fine may be doing as much to set them up for failure as they seem determined to do on their own. Also, WTF am I supposed to say?! Mammals are complicated!! FUCK!!!!
Also, nothing can make me go from ‘sympathetic’ to ‘annoyed’ in 4.8 seconds or less like relentless ‘poor me’-flavored self-pity, easily the most effective destroyer of potential and hope.
Sir @ August 13, 2008
I’m going to start using the phrase ‘for the next rest of our lives’ in my daily life. And I, too, had orientation today, but mine was a heck of a lot more fun than yours.
that the whole point ‘innit? proving themselves wrong.. I mean come on, being wrong in this case just means that they (we/me/I) underestimated ourselves (unconciously or otherwise) and therefore its all about their (our/mine) yet untapped potential et al. !
besides I think med. phDs whine more than engineering.. no offense.. now engineering blokes (we/me/I) ..we are more the kind to lapse into wide-eyed stupefied wonder along the lines of “i thought i could do this!!?? what was i thinking??” .. and then just go along with the tide!
manu once-engineer-then-neuroscience-now-robotics 20something phd slave
Kids these days. Bah.
That’s why I have a T-shirt that says “PhD candidates are whiny bitches.” I don’t really. That was a lie.
Biochemistry sounds hard. I’m skeered.
Hello, Sir.
I am going to spend most of the day contemplating the wisdom in “Mammals are complicated.” Thank you, Sir, that was beautiful.
Sounds like these kids just need to figure it out for themselves anyway. You could tell them that biochem was the easiest class you ever took, but they probably wouldn’t relax into realizing that they can do it until… well, until they DO it.
“Mammals are complicated!! FUCK!!!!” I think that should be the new tagline for my Neurology journal.
Ashley:Normally, I’d say that fun is in the eye of the beholder, but in this case, I’m pretty sure that you probably did have more fun at yours.
manu:Having done the CS/CE thing, I think you’re definitely correct regarding the whine factor. There’s a relatively clear difference in personalities between the engineering side of the world and this one, in that engineers can often see the immediate results of their work and have their ‘eureka’ moment (good or bad) instantaneously, while biomed pukes can spend years on a project only to discover that some small and unforeseen biological crap has thrown a wrench into things and that they have nothing to show for their efforts. I don’t think engineers have the patience to wait that long to potentially be crushed; better to have it happen immediately in order to fix it and try again. I agree with the engineers in this regard, but am giving the bio side a try anyhow. I kind of like your career path, though.
Jamelah:Whippersnappers, every single one.
Scott:By and large, they totally are. When you go out for a beer with some of them, you have to gird your loins for their tired stories of woe and heartache. Usually, after a couple years and beyond the preliminary exam (when one actually becomes a candidate), they mellow and resign themselves to their lot, becoming better company at the same time.
Vahid:Well, they are. Hell, even yeast is no picnic. You might be surprised to learn that many of the biochemical processes in humans were learned through the study of similar processes in yeast, so in this way, scientists gained knowledge through one of beer’s primary ingredients. I find this enormously satisfying.
JenBun:Whenever I walk into the neuroscience wing, I always see people in lab coats offering monkees alcohol or racing mice through mazes while waving wads of cash over their heads and yelling. Therefore, I’ll bet it’s kind of fun working for a Neurology journal. I’m starting to wonder whether I can weasel my way into a rotation in one of the ‘drunk monkee’ labs.
Oh, Sir!, you simply must print “Mammals are complicated” on a t-shirt and begin wearing it immediately.
So wait… if I read your response to Vahid correctly, ultimately BEER is to thank for the miracles of modern biomedical advancements. The corollary then, would be that if mammals drink beer, they become much less complicated.
Cheers!
This post has too many big sciencey words for me.
is that what 33 is? pity me, then. pity pity.
I am so glad I’m not 20-something anymore. In some ways, it was much harder to come back to school in my 30s but I’m glad I have the life experience and wisdom to not treat every single day as the last I might ever experience. Grad school is hard. Suck it up buttercups!
Except for that whole ATP thing, I liked biochemistry. Although my class was rudimentary compared to yours. Good luck with your new endeavor and dealing with all the whiners. May they soon learn that beer = love.
‘mouse:That’s actually a really good idea. I might even add the ‘FUCK!!!’ for good measure.
Shari:‘Yes’ to the first part, and, ‘Basically, yes, though sometimes more violent’ to the second part.
Mindy:Hogwash. I know you understand stuff like ‘mammals’, ‘blah blah blah’, ‘reaper’, and ‘Fuck!!!’, so don’t give me that, ‘GAAAAH, SCIENCE WORDS!’ crap. You’re smarter than you let on.
Crys:You have my pity. Wait until you hit 35.
Mrs. Hizzy:Exactly. Exactly. Exactly.
Alli:If it weren’t for ATP, none of us would ever get anywhere. Mostly because we’d be dead. As a matter of fact, cities should build statues of the chemical structure of ATP for people to pass by and flip pennies into for luck. Phosphorylation is the key to everything. Three cheers for phosphorous!
Sir,
I have only recently discovered your blog and was planning to lurk my way through your archives quietly. This post, however, was so filled to overflowing with nerdery that I could not keep quiet. You, Sir, are the awesome. Three cheers for phosphorous, indeed! (I loved Biochem =)