Write a story about your dream for evolution – it must contain a redhead, a garbage truck, two frogs, and a shower curtain.
Sure! Why not?
It’s a lesser known metaphysical fact that in the body of some frogs there rests the mind of a great dead thinker. Only they’re not dead. They’re frogs, obviously. It’s a reward, of sorts, for having lived a life in pursuit of trying to understand themselves, the world around them, and how the two things fit together. As a result of such understanding, no one ever seems to complain about their time as frogs. They tend to think it lovely, really, almost unanimously so. It’s a good life, comparatively speaking. There’s little for them to fear, even in the wild. Predators can only catch the dumb frogs, you see. The smart ones are too wily. Evolution wins again, though in a slightly unfair sort of way.
And so it was that two of these more wily breeds of newly dead humans met in a tree.
Frog #1: Do you by any chance speak Latin?
Frog #2: Facit ursus assidere in nemora?
Frog #1: Oh, thank GOD! I mean seriously, do you have any idea how long it’s been since I talked to any frog not inclined toward ‘ribbit’ or ‘croak’ or the incessant chirping of those damn prima donna tree bastards?
Frog #2: Well, they’re frogs. It’s what they do. They all can’t be us, y’know.
Frog #1: Yes, yes, very sensible. I suppose I’m having a hard time sliding into this amphibian groove. Being suddenly dead and then gradually a frog is a lot to consider.
Frog #2: Is it the proximity-to-the-bottom-of-the-food-chain thing? That bothers a lot of former scientists, though many writers seem used to it.
Frog #1: Feh! Food chain proximity means nothing in relation to how evolved a species is. For example…*points a flipper at two humans in an adjacent back yard, one of whom is helping the other do a keg stand*
Frog #2: Excellent point. I never felt completely comfortable after writing that theory.
Frog #1: Oh, that was you! Very nice.
Frog #2: Yes, well…*glances over at the guy now throwing up next to the keg* I’m feeling pretty good about being a frog. Do you know any good limerics?
Frog #1: Even better, I have a story. Heard it from two cockroaches. Former diplomats. It may not make you feel better about your former work, but it should be good for a chuckle.
Frog #2: Fair enough.
Frog #1: So these cockroaches spend a lot of time in this trailer park and in one double-wide in particular. The lady there loves cheese and leaves crumbs everywhere. Roaches love cheese.
Frog #2: Can’t blame them.
Frog #1: Exactly! So, they overhear this conversation between the guy and this woman and the woman’s complaining about their sex life and how maybe they should try role playing and the guy’s all, ‘What, am I not good enough for you?’, and she’s like, ‘Of course not’, so, the guy asks, ‘OK, what role should I play?’, and she goes, ‘A garbage man’.
Frog #2: Hot.
Frog #1: Totally! So, naturally he blows her off, but a couple weeks go by and he apparently has a change of heart. He talks a friend of his who actually is a garbage man into allowing him to accompany him on part of his rounds in order to really ripen himself up, to be a garbage man by wallowing in it, literally and figuratively. At the end of the route, he hops off the garbage truck, and waltzes inside the trailer, primed for stinky love.
Frog #2: I like where this is going.
Frog #1: Exactly! The woman’s taking a shower when he arrives. Not being the patient type, he storms into the bathroom, rips open the shower curtain, and the lady goes apeshit and starts screaming and flailing and punching, but her eyes are closed because, I don’t know, shampoo stings maybe.
Frog #2: She should’ve used baby shampoo. No more tears.
Frog #1: Yes! So, she’s screaming, punching, and kicking the guy out of the bathroom, down the hallway, and into the front room when their neighbor, who’s an off-duty cop, obviously hears the screaming, runs in wearing a bathrobe, and tases the faux garbage man. The woman finally opens her eyes, sees her husband currently in mid-electrocution, tackles the cop and starts beating him without mercy. I mean, according to the roaches, she’s relentless in a Chuck Norris vs. Evil kind of way, all red hair and spittle flying everywhere. And you know what they say about redheads…
Frog #2: ‘Red on the head…’
Frog #1: ‘FIRE IN THE HOLE!’ So, here’s the scene: You’ve got a naked, overweight, redheaded cheese eater beating the hell out of a be-robed off-duty cop, who’s currently holding a tazer, the business end of which is attached to a fat guy wearing a reflective vest and a ski mask and flopping around like an enormous trout who stinks of coffee grounds and failure. The two roaches are sitting on the kitchen counter eating smoked gouda and watching all this unfold when one of them turns to the other and says, ‘ I graduated from fucking Princeton‘.
Frog #2: Inspiring. They have opposable thumbs and brains capable of introspection and what do they do with them? They’re the evolved?
Frog #1: Bah! It means different things to different species. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Hell, it was only a theory.
Sir @ July 27, 2011