Metamorphose

Confessions, NaBloPoMo, Whatnot Comments (2)

Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

I trust no one. This complicates everything. Or rather, it complicates everything potentially important. And trust is a big idea here. I trust certain people plenty. I’d trust a handful of people with my life. I did this for a pretty good stretch of time, actually, with little issue. I trust no one with my heart, then. Maybe that’s it; more specific. My mind, well, I can destroy people with that easily enough, but the heart is more complicated. It’s endured an awful lot over the years and has been inclined to play it safe for awhile. The problem is that life isn’t meant to be played safe. I’ll be safe when I’m dead. I’m not dead yet, however. Unless I’m a zombie. I don’t think I am, though. The vocabulary seems too intact. I also have no desire to eat brains. So, yeah. Not dead yet.

It’s hard to convince yourself to change, too, when nothing seems particularly wrong. I suppose it would be handy to have an out-of-body experience right about now in order to view things objectively from afar, but you can’t just order those up. I find myself in plenty of situations where opportunities to open up present themselves, but the question, ‘Are you sure?’, repeats, followed by the inevitable, ‘Of course not’. It’s a stupid question, anyhow, and I know better than to ask it, much less answer. A person can never be sure of anything. Waiting on certainty in any decision is just an attempt to escape reality in an effort to delay disappointment. Or happiness, as the case may be. Make the decision, then live with it, either way.

I dunno. Maybe the status quo is the right status. I’ve changed a lot over the years; it’s definitely been an action-packed decade in that way. I’m certainly not the person I was in my twenties, but I’m not sure that I’ll be able to say the same thing in my forties looking back on this decade. Truth be told, I don’t really hope to change anything anymore. It tends to imply that there’s some sort of ideal, which is hogwash of the worst sort. Constantly striving to be ‘better’ assumes that there’s something wrong with who we are now. When did ‘inadequate’ become everyone’s default setting?

I’ve cracked the whip over my own head long enough, anyhow. I’ve earned whatever trust issues I remain saddled with, fought for them every step of the way. Am I positive that life would be better without them? Am I so sure that I’d be who and where I am now? Of course not. These questions aren’t so stupid when asked in the right context. I’ll do what needs to be done when it needs doing and if change comes as a result, so be it. I have too much respect for both myself and the concept of ‘hope’ to attach it to change for the sake of change.

Sir @ November 29, 2010