Wasted
Confessions, NaBloPoMo, Whatnot Comments (8)
Something you hate about yourself
For a majority of my life, the honest answer to this question was ‘everything’. I wasn’t really sure why, but that seemed beside the point. Fortunately, some really bad stuff happened later on that forced me to realize what a boob I’d always been. This is certainly not to say that I’m completely free of self-loathing now, however. Perish the thought! It’s just that in being more specific, more selective, in my hatred I’m now able to hiss at the mirror, ‘You make me sick‘, without questioning my motives.
The acquisition of self-knowledge demands that a person embrace their demons. Until this happens, the proverbial boat will be steered by the darker elements of one’s nature. Some people make fine careers of this. Many of them are currently being featured in commercials designed to reassure a weary electorate that they are the lesser evil. Honestly, I’m mostly devoid of hatred for myself these days. I’ve come through the worst of it, know who I am and who I’m not, and am content to share a cocktail with the aforementioned demons and talk about the weather.
Mostly.
Wasted years. All of them. An entire adolescence, all of my 20s, the first couple years of my 30s, squandered because of some ill-conceived notion about my self-worth. A little seed planted and watered from a very young age that took root and grew for far too long. I was a good athlete who never believed it, so I stopped bothering. School was easy, so I stopped trying. I always had to be a little better than everyone around me in the military, because I could never be any better than what I thought of myself. I never rested and rarely ever enjoyed the parade of moments that mark what constitutes a decent autobiography. Understanding the root of it all doesn’t hit the rewind button. The past belongs where it is and I’ve done well to leave it there. The fact is that I hate myself for having spent so much of my life being ruled by hate.
You don’t have to look very hard to see how easy it is to hate someone or something. In most cases, it starts as someone trying to focus it elsewhere instead of on themselves. The act is unoriginal and lazy. Not only does it not require thought, it demands its absence. I was lazy for far too long and I can’t afford that level of ignorance anymore. The world has enough to go around and I’m currently occupied with more pressing things.
Sir @ November 1, 2010
I wasted most all of my 20′s. I still beat myself up over it regularly. But… I can’t help but wonder if those wasted years are what’s responsible for the drive I have now. Making up for lost time is a heavy motivator.
I’m so glad you’re doing NaBloPoMo.
I tried embracing my demons once, but of course I took it too far and now there are little demon children everywhere. And those little bastards need to be exercised.
Geez, way to get all philosophical on us, there. I think I speak for Washingtonians everywhere when I say that we would have been satisfied with a simple statement that you hate yourself for living so far away from Washington state.
But mostly, what Ashley said.
Hello, Sir.
Dave: It is, indeed.
Ashley: I’ve been doing too much writing for a specific (and remarkably dry and clinical) reason and needed a reason to write for no reason at all for awhile, so here I am. I suppose it’ll be cathartic, per normal and other junk, but whatever. Let’s not think too hard for the next 30 days.
Brandon: It’s always lovely to hear from you. Having said that, DAMN YOUR INFERNAL PUNNERY! If you can dig deep and find a way to defile the language for 30 consecutive days in my comment section, I’d encourage you to print out a NaBloPoMo banner and tape it to your bumper. One need not have a blog to advertise one’s word-based adequacy.
Shari: If you and your main squeeze are willing to fund me, I am both willing and eager to move out to your neck of the woods. I’m sure we can negotiate something.
Jamelah: Gosh, hello. I had assumed you were dead, despite your continuing to post a daily picture. When people stop blogging, ‘death’ is the first and last reason I imagine. That’s why I’m so pleased to see zombie Brandon make an appearance.
i think i’ll go the blog route. nacoblomo doesn’t flow real well off the tongue.
“The fact is that I hate myself for having spent so much of my life being ruled by hate.”
Often I think of how ironic it is that the idea that I’ve spent so much of my life being depressed depresses me. My brain has a sick sense of humour.