A Backhanded Seasonal Sonnet
The lawn’s full of color, all rustic and messy
Trees stripping with passion, no shame will they hide!
I seize the rake and wade into the madness
Fall’s the best time of year
Let’s spend it outside.
The dogs frolic and scamper with gusto and whimsy,
Hither and yon through the fields with their paws they do glide!
Munching mushrooms and tripping; sweet Jesus, they’re junkies!
Not my fault, blame the fungus,
With such vice, I abide!
To hike appalachia, all glorious and scenic
How lucky, backpacking with friends alongside.
Then a guy with a banjo; my mouth is so pretty!
Awkward request; thank God
I know how to hide.
Halloween draws near, all gothic and spooky
A dare is procured, will I swallow my pride?
“You should be Lady Gaga, your shoulders are perfect!”
‘But I still bench 280!’
“So can she”, they confide.
The holidays beckon with bird death galore
Turkeys are jerky; hides become dried!
Lopping off heads, rampant plucking of feathers
Their fate has been sealed;
In the wrong barn they reside.
Lest you think me an asshat, both heartless and cruel
Such censure on your part would only misguide;
Blame gravy and indians, though not in that order
Unfair accusations,
History we deride.
But death isn’t always the final ambition
of Autumn and all its intent far and wide;
There’s always the consumption of pies and bread pudding,
the gluttony of which
Darwin applauds nationwide.
* It took me 15 minutes to write most of this, but over two hours to ultimately find a way to describe killing a stupid turkey in something approaching iambic motherfucking pentameter. Not the turkey’s fault, I realize.
Sir @ October 25, 2010
No. As always, the turkey is an innocent bystander who just happens to taste good when packed with stuffing. Poor bastard!
Happy 150th Post!
Is your house clean? Because I am about to send every one of my Facebook friends over here for this work of art. Oh, You Are Welcome. “My mouth is so pretty!”
“iambic motherfucking pentameter”
You, Sir, just made my day.
Please bid your scampering, frolicking dogs a fond, Autumnal “hello” for me. But not the turkey. Dear god, the poor thing’s got enough on his mind at the moment!
Trippin’ collies, Lady Gaga, dried turkey and snaggle-toothed sodomites.
It’s all so deceptively elegant, yet determined…..you…..you have a gift, you.
I popped by randomly to see if you had posted anything new, and was greeted by that wonderful wordsmithery! If your dogs are eating mushrooms on Halloween, your Lady Gaga get up might really freak them out.
That was awesome!
Dave: How is it you knew that this was my 150th post, but I had zero idea? Stop knowing things! You’re scaring me!
Angela: My house actually is pretty clean, my mom having recently visited.
Hilly: I am glad that I could shine a little light onto your daily path.
Shari: Consider the dogs “Hello’d” on your behalf.
shady180: ‘Snaggle-toothed Sodomites’ would be a great band name.
WhoA: I would hope that my dressing up like Lady Gaga would be enough to freak them out without their having to be high stoned out of their fur on fungus.
Alli: Thanks!
YOU’RE SCARED? Think about me! It’s not easy knowing everything.