The Fruit of the Loom…OF FATE!
It’s rare that I actually go to a theater to see a movie anymore, but this weekend I was talked into making the trek to a local House of Sticky Floors to see something against my better judgment. I saw ‘Wanted’, the latest Angelina Jolie flick (her character’s name is Fox; it’s because she’s foxy). Morgan Freeman was there, too. It’s not my intention to turn my little corner of hell the internet into a repository for movie reviews, but if I can help people make informed decisions about what they do with their time, life being of short duration and a precious commodity, maybe I can rack me up some good karma. So, a couple things about this movie…..
Prior to the moving-pictures portion of this flick, viewers are offered the following introduction to the story (paraphrased):
A league of assassin weavers. At this point, the only thing that could’ve enabled me to give the pending action the benefit of the doubt was if I’d misread the introduction and the movie was actually going to involve a league of assassin beavers. Sadly, no. Then about halfway through the story and following the main character’s assassin-training montage, the audience is introduced to the Loom of Fate, which poops out an expanse of woven thread from which is extracted (a Sweater of Destiny?!?! Sadly, again, no) the names of the unfortunate souls who are to be ‘whacked’. This is done by converting binary code from thread patterns into letters. At this point, I turned to the friend sitting next to me and whispered, “I hope you all die in a fire. Pass it down.”
Now, it’s not that I’m a movie snob. Not at all. Maybe a little. Whatever. It’s just…a league? Of assassin weavers?! Really?!?! I will admit to not being aware going in that ‘Wanted’ was based on a graphic novel, which does make a difference. For some unexplainable reason, I actually feel better about such a concept being the brainchild of a creator of graphic novels rather than some random dude sitting in an L.A. studio apartment creating something that gives Angelina Jolie a reason to flash some ass cleavage and Morgan Freeman license to use the word ‘motherf***er’ (it had gotten cut out of the script for ‘Driving Miss Daisy’).
In order to get the bad taste of horrible assassin movies out of my brain, I rented ‘In Bruges’ and watched it last night. Awesome. The movie had everything:
Irish assassins
An Irish assassin insulting a ‘person of larger carriage’
Ralph Fiennes being surly
A midget
As a matter of fact, the only way the movie could’ve been improved upon would’ve been through the addition of assassin beavers. Or possibly adding this to the closing credits.
YAMS!
Sir @ June 30, 2008
Yeah. That sounds about right.
Hello, Sir.
By the way, Mike reviewed the movie today too. Small world.
http://futility.typepad.com/futility/2008/06/movie-review.html
Hello again.
I went to see WALL-e. I win.
They’re saving the league of assassin beavers for the sequel. And then the weavers and the beavers fight in the third one, because everything has to be a trilogy.
My marketing manager told me if you put a monkey or a midget in anything, I man will watch/buy it.
Scott: I strive for accuracy in my rants.
Shari: Holy crap, did you ever. I wanted to duck out right after ‘A thousand years ago …’ and sneak into WALL-E next door. Totally should’ve.
Jamelah: I should probably buy the rights to the title ‘League of Assassin Beavers’ before some porn mogul snaps it up and it’s forever sullied by its association with … well, y’know.
Melissa: I don’t go out of my way to see movies involving one or the other or even both, but admit that they do add a certain something-or-other to any plot. I wonder if it’s part of the basic Marketing educational curriculum to teach that monkeys and midgets are the key to the male demographic?
In Bruges is one of my fav films this year. Loved it. Have no real desire to see Wanted, but it is getting such wonderfully bad reviews I may just have to take a peak :)
the original draft called for a league of assassin plumbers. glad to see they retained Jolie’s “ass cleavage” shot from that version.
Everything is better with midgets. (Except I think we’re supposed to call them little people now.)
See, I saw Wanted, too, and for some reason I just totally accepted the assassin weaver thing. I was pretty tired, though, so I would have probably accepted anything.
Fence: I went in totally confidant that In Bruges was going to be a winner, between Martin McDonagh’s writing and Brendan Gleeson’s acting. Colin Farrell played a great tortured soul, too.
Vahid: Assassin plumbers wouldn’t have been any worse. Maybe even more entertaining, what with the deadly use of plungers and reamers (giggity!).
Ashley: Well, most things, yes. Although, I think adding them to the NBA at the position of power forward would be disastrous, with knee injuries (regular players) and concussions (our little friends) becoming regularly occurring tragedies.
Jennie!: I suppose if you can look past the absurdity involved in people only a couple steps removed from knitting socks living a double life as harbingers of death, then all that remains is just another action flick involving a woman with a nice body and a head that’s mostly lips. And that I can deal with, I reckon.
i knit, and i assure you, i am deadly.
Sir, have no fear. I was not truly harmed by your comments as to my lip-synching, merely pretending. As I once again find myself learning, one of the only bad things about the internet is that it’s often very hard to get across whether or not you are actually angry or kidding. Mostly you can tell when I’m really upset by the swearing and all capital letters.
I was going to say something totally clever about my recent promotion to Stalwart Big Cheese of the St. Louis Sunday Morning Knitting/Terrorist Circle, but it looks like kat beat me to it. What I’m trying to say is: The weaver thing? Not as far-fetched as you might think, Sir.
But that whole assassin beaver thing is so overdone… You see them in everything these days… I hear the next harry potter movie is riddled with them.