I Am A Water-bearing Sea Goat

Whatnot

    

I generally give little weight to horoscopes, but I do know (thanks to a previous girlfriend who was buried forehead-deep in astrology) that I was born on the Capricorn-Aquarian cusp, relegating me to the burden of being some freakish goat/human hybrid. I’m a pretty open-minded dude where the heavens are concerned, so I give everything the opportunity to instruct and enlighten, but astrology always struck me as a little too hokie primarily due to the vague declarations found near the funny pages of newspapers (i.e. ‘Something’s going to happen today that you may or may not expect!’). That said, I still recall being amazed at how accurate a portrait was painted by the description of my particular combination of celestial seasonings. It’s still pretty accurate, except for the twaddle about being a humanitarian. Also, get a load that water-bearer’s ass. No amount of squats in the gym or miles pounded on the pavement could morph my caboose into that. I actually feel a little inadequate now.

For many of my nearly 37 years and due primarily to my genius bordering on insanity, people have enjoyed a day off on my birthday (you’re welcome). I try to be magnanimous about it all, but occasionally folks will come up and say, ‘It’s Martin Luther King, Jr., Day, jackass’, and I’m all, ‘What?’, and they’re all, ‘Douche!’ It’s not my fault that my and George Burns’ birthdays happen to frequently coincide with the holiday, OK? You want to blame me for trying to promote racial tolerance through the consumption of birthday cake, too? Is that what makes you happy? Jerk.

Having gotten the insult out of the way, here’s what I’d like to propose be done to honor my mother’s painful delivery of a screaming, goo-covered water-bearing sea goat into an unsuspecting world lo those many years ago: A music swap. Music is truly the gift that keeps on giving and since I’m much better at giving than receiving, I’m going to send music to whoever’s stupid enough willing to send me their mailing address. And just to prove that I have no fear of stalkers/death, I’m going to respond to each person with MY mailing address, so that the aforementioned person might send me a CD full of whatever music they deem fit for a stranger’s consumption.

So, my gift to myself is to give everyone else gifts and then for them, in turn, to give me a gift, which I think somehow qualifies me for the Indian Giver Hall of Fame. Doesn’t matter, though. The bottom line is that everyone gets music that they may not have heard before, thereby broadening their horizons and junk. A friend likes to do this kind of thing spontaneously every year, where he compiles his favorite musical discoveries from that year into A-side and B-side CDs and hands them out to everyone. He’s done this for four years now and the dude hits the mark every year. I don’t where the hell he finds some of these bands, but I’m always a little upset that I managed to completely not hear of most of them.

Your mission, therefore, should you choose to accept it, is to slap together a CD of music that you found this year that made you go, ‘Huh!’, or, ‘Whoa!’, or, ‘Gah!’, or some other equally poetic exclamation of joy. If you didn’t hear all that much new or groovy this year, feel free to augment with whatever music consistently makes your ears happy. Send it to me, I’ll send you a CD of my own creation, and the world will turn a little smoother. Liner notes not necessary, but always appreciated.

Sir @ January 13, 2010