Last night while walking the dogs, I saw this dude of East-Asian descent out for his nightly exercise, which consisted of plastering a very stern look on his face and walking briskly while swinging his arms in vertical 180-degree arcs. The sight held me in a trance and bothered the dogs enough to make them whine a little as he passed. So overcome with the sight was I that had he been so inclined, he could’ve liberated me of my wallet and shoes. Thankfully, he didn’t. This has nothing to do with anything that follows, it’s just that I’ve had the sight in my head for a really long time and felt the need to unleash it upon unsuspecting strangers. If you’ve never seen such a thing, feel free to count yourself unlucky and your life unfulfilled.
Now, on with the goats.
A couple weeks ago, I found my inner monologue constantly preoccupied with an endless replay of ‘The Lonely Goatherd’ of The Sound of Music fame. I don’t know how this happened and it really doesn’t matter. The important thing is that it happened and I was crippled with the memory of Julie Andrews and a bunch of Austrian adolescents yodeling and flinging marionettes hither and yon. I want to state up front that I have nothing against the movie, the actors and actresses in said movie, goatherds, lonely or otherwise, or nuns (not a big fan of Nazis, though). I actually like The Sound of Music, both figuratively and literally. I don’t, however, like its soundtrack on perpetual repeat in my noodle for days at a time.
So, I was seated and sort of staring off into the ether waiting for a chemical to react with another chemical when another dude in the lab asked what was wrong (apparently I had this slightly disgusted look on my face).
Me: I’ve got this song stuck in my head.
Curious George: What is it?
Me: The Lonely Goatherd from The Sound of Music.
CG: No shit.
About an hour later, he comes over and stares at me.
CG: God, I hate you so much.
By the end of the day, there were three people in the lab with that song stuck in their head. Entertainment erupted when we started imagining how various punk or death metal groups might cover the song. Sadly the best I could come up with was members of Black Flag hopping around the stage and manipulating marionettes that had been set on fire while Henry Rollins screamed the lyrics (including the falsetto ‘HEE-HOO’ parts following the ‘YODEL-LAY-DEE-YODEL-LAY-DEE’ parts). The landslide winner, however, was the band Cannibal Corpse. You can get a taste of their musical stylings here (The song is called Evisceration Plague (PLAGUE! LEADS TO DEAAAAAAAATH!!!!!)). Feel free to add it to the iPod prior to your holiday party shuffle. I’ll also highly recommend listening to a lounge version of their fun-filled tune Rancid Amputation.
Anyhow, I’ve had a lot of time to really dissect the song and that part of the movie and I have to ask: Is that not the most elaborate marionette stage you’ve ever seen? Owned by one guy and his family? I mean, seriously. There were separate stages adjacent to the main stage with people drinking beer (with real foam?!??!) and a band. A FUCKING OOM-PAH BAND WITH MOVING CHEEKS AND EYEBROWS!!!! You’re telling me that a nun and a bunch of vocally-talented Austrian rugrats could manage what must’ve been the most intricate choreography of wooden figurines in 1930s Europe? Bullshit. I don’t care if they did have God on their side, I don’t care how many mountains they’d climbed or how many good things Fraulein Maria did in her youth (or childhood), there’s no way that they could’ve pulled that show off without the help of midgets or gnomes underneath the stage manipulating some of the figures through the use of an intricate set of pulleys and levers.
See? This is what happens when I get stuff stuck in my head. It’s not good.
Sir @ November 2, 2009