Despite the wonders that are delivered by digital music today, sometimes I really miss lying on my back on a shag carpet, eyes closed, two huge stack speakers aimed at my head, listening to a quality vinyl record played over excellent analog equipment.
One day I wish to retire to a dictionary.
Sometimes I come untethered.
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Sir @ November 30, 2008 # 2 Comments
‘Have patience and endure’, said Ovid, many long years ago, certainly before my birth in January 1973, during the first in a long line of trials punishing people for hubris, both theirs and Nixon’s, and while I don’t believe in such a thing as coincidence (everything happens for a reason, let’s not kid ourselves, even [...]
Sir @ November 29, 2008 # 3 Comments
For those not old skool enough to remember, Q-Bert was the most foul-mouthed video-game character ever, what with his #@&%*@ and !@*#&$ and the occasional #&$*@^ thrown in for good measure. I’ve decided to celebrate the first week of December by inserting various flavors of #&$*@^ as an adjective in every sentence that I utter [...]
Sir @ November 28, 2008 # 4 Comments
My submission for the fiction section of ‘Passive Aggressive Quarterly’ was returned with a note that read, “The writing was exceptional, all things considered, however, we hope you agree that as a literary magazine, mediocrity is a killer, not that your submission was mediocre, gosh no; hardly.” Can’t write. Fighting off … pie coma. Got [...]
Sir @ November 27, 2008 # 3 Comments
Haiku a Pig Might Write I excel at math; ‘soh-cah-toa’! But alas, my destiny: Ham. Haiku a Cow Might Write Yank the teat gently, for it is not yours and the pleasure is not mine. Haiku a Turkey Might Write Not much of a life To speak of; *gobble* *gobble* THWACK! Then served with stuffing.
Sir @ November 26, 2008 # 13 Comments
It’s sad that so few people seem to appreciate the subtle humor involved in talking dirty to the turkey while stuffing it. I don’t stuff my turkeys. I brine the living shit out of them, then pour this onion/apple/cinnamon mixture into their open cavity before shoving them into the oven. It’s kinky, sure, but not [...]
Sir @ November 25, 2008 # 18 Comments
If I were a woman (which I’m not) and I was trolling the fertile fields of Match.com (which I don’t), I’d probably steer clear of any man who chose ‘Oedipus’ as his profile’s username.* I should be studied. Why? Three times I’ve done the online dating thing and twice I’ve found pretty amazing, non-psycho women. [...]
Sir @ November 24, 2008 # 6 Comments
I so tire of my incessant internal sighs and dramatic suppression of rage that occasionally I’ll lob a scathing one-liner at random passers-by in hopes of transferring my angst in some small cruel way, similar to the steam that leaks with random violence from the top of a pressure cooker. The complications that manifest themselves [...]
Sir @ November 23, 2008 # One Comment
This is the universal replacement phrase used by Presbyterians and school teachers when what they want to say will permanently damage a child’s delicate constitution or make the baby Jesus cry, as the case may be. Common uses include ‘Get the blankity blank outta here, you did not just set that guy on fire!’, or [...]
Sir @ November 22, 2008 # 2 Comments
Since ‘Indians’ was too culturally insensitive for a high school mascot, the school board voted unanimously to change their name to the Pawtucket Homosexual Nazi Midgets in an effort to intimidate, but not discriminate. Hmmm. Saturdays in the Fall are reserved for college football and lounging, which makes thinking about other stuff very hard. Actually, [...]
Sir @ November 21, 2008 # 4 Comments
Sing, O muse, the anger of the guy that just spilled coffee on himself, that brought countless ills upon his pants, and forced those within earshot to yearn for an end to his profanity and that mighty Achilles might show up and stab him randomly. I have little patience for people who feel the need [...]